Thursday, April 24, 2008

Right now, the major thing bothering me is that I applied to go to Hotchkiss School in Connecticut, United States, next year, which is 10th grade. And yet, something i haven't admitted to anyone, I'm scared. No, i'm not scared that i'll be going there all by myself, boarding at the school, being across the world from the rest of my family. I'm scared that once i get there, i'll have to start my 'life' all over again. Everything i gained here in Shanghai American School in China, will vanish. I think back to all the people who have trickled out to different countries from this tiny international school in China, and I feel my heart beat slighty faster, and my palms get sweaty. Soon that will be me. For four years since moving to China from America, i've watched some of the best friends i could ever make disappear from my life. Sure, we'd stay in contact for a couple months, facebook, msn, texting. But yet, i've discovered, after those couple months the messages we used to send daily would be reduced, resulting in little contact. On the last day of school, we vowed we'd stay in touch, that we would meet up sometime in the future. Yet I barely hear from these friends anymore. I'm scared that once i leave, life will just go on. My friends will walk the halls again, chattering loudly, banging open lockers, riding the afterschool busses after volleyball practices, and with all the new kids populating the halls, it'll almost be like i never existed. My name might be tossed around a few times at lunch time conversations, but life will go on. I'll be in a new school, in a different country, in a different time zone.

Sometimes, i cant imagine my best friend going to volleyball practice, the best friend who was always willing to listen, finding a new partner, and practicing sets with them. I cant imagine my best friend going to dance club, the best friend who'd always been by my side, and being crazy and hyper with someone else. I cant imagine my boyfriend, with another girl, hugging and holding hands in the hallway, giving each other little gifts, just like we did. I cant imagine the best guy friend i'll ever have, comforting another girl after she had a fight with her boyfriend, talking on the phone for an hour with someone else, obsessing over tiny matters.

So i've realized, life goes on without you. Although i cant imagine those things, i know it'll happen. And that makes me sad. We'll be seperated by oceans and seas, when would be the next time that i would be able to see them again? And what if, i do have the chance to go back, and my best friends have replaced me, and added a new kid to their tight bond? And what if, i find my boyfriend with another girl even though we would probably mutually break it off at the end of the year to avoid a long-distance relationship? And what if, i find that best guy friend, who'd been by my side for three years, completely trusting in someone else? It may seem like trivial matters, but these things hurt. They pierce through the heart, and even when you just think about it, you feel sad.

[Kathy]