Tuesday, April 29, 2008

"I'm Slipping Out Of Gravity's Hold"

We always take things for granted. We never realize how precious a thing is until it's gone and we cant get it back. So i'm looking ahead, and if i get into Hotchkiss, these are what i'm going to miss.

That is, assuming that i am getting in. Because that's what i'm scared of. I put so much time, effort, money into this. And if i get rejected? Sure, it'll hurt my pride a lot, but it'll discourage me. A lot. I spent days and nights studying for the SSAT, which made my social life about nil back then. I poured so much effort into the applications and interviews, missing my own birthday party to fly to Beijing to do the interview. And if i get rejected? All that was for nothing. Of course people will say, you can just try again next year. But next year is going to be the same process. Taking the SSAT, filling out applications, flying somewhere to do the interview. So i'm scared now. Scared that i wont get into Hotchkiss, scared i'll have to stay in SAS. It's not that i dont want to stay, of course i want to. But we all have the power to shape our future, and right now, i'm shaping mine and not following the guiding hands of another. But what if the thing i tried to shape comes out wrong? Then i'm stuck following the path already set out for me.

These are what i'm going to miss:

Getting up at five thirty every morning, stumbling into the shower half-asleep, and then sitting in front of my closet for ten minutes just staring and not able to pick out anything.

Walking to the bus stop listening to my current obsession song and chattering loudly about nothing in particular on the bus.

Hiding out in the couches around the corner to avoid their watchful eyes, staying until the last minute, until we hear the sharp shrill of the whistle, signaling that they would soon come to kick us back to homerooms.

Frantically studying for tests in homeroom and obsessing about the most random things.

Having those spastastic moments during P.E. class, laughing until no sound comes out, and flailing arms smacking the nearest objects.

Ignoring the teacher's disapproving glares, throwing things across the room, and making up sentences in chinese that don't even make sense.

Hands hovering above the buzzers, listening impatiently for the question to be read out, cringing as the sounds of hands slapping on plastic and disappointed groans drowned out the victory yells of that one group.

Trying to memorize in the last few minutes left, but seeming as if it was as impossible as trying to hold onto sand.

Squeezing into one table at lunch, attempting to squish more than five butts onto one bench, people falling off as one person balances all of the trays towards the food drop-off.

Running around SBM, in search of that one shop, but giving up and settling into the comfy couches in Starbucks, sipping ice cold fraps under the blasting heat.

Staying up to three in the morning texting, listening to soothing songs, falling asleep and only waking up the next day at noon.

Him.

[Kathy]

Labels: Blog Post, Writing