Thursday, June 12, 2008

Hi you:

I guess it's the end now right? I'll be able to say some stuff now.

Three months and seven days we've been together. Would you call that long or short? For me, long. I've never been good at relationships and you know that. But you know what? We're two completely different people. You're down-to-earth while I'm spontaneous. You're always focusing on something and me? I'm just running around being the hyper-me with my friends.

I don’t want a relationship to completely take up my life. Maybe I don't want to be completely committed. Maybe I want the space to hang out just as much with my other friends. Maybe I don't want someone to get jealous when I hang out with my guy friends. The weird thing is, I liked being in a relationship. I liked the thought that there would always be someone to comfort me.

Our families are completely different too. You're allowed to do whatever as long as it's not on a school day. My mom is overly protective. So what? My closest friends understand and they do whatever it takes to protect me. You? You just complain about it to your friends and my friends. I know it would be very frustrating, but unless you would want me murdered alive then I would have to continue living my life like this. And p.s., don’t bitch about my family, especially my brother. I love them more than I'll ever love you.

And on the days I could hang out? You cant. Why is that? Why is that when just a couple days before end of school that you cant hang out. Your mom knows about us. She probably knows I'm leaving (maybe maybe not). Could you not take time out of your oh so busy schedule to hang out before I leave?

Those last few days you changed. You no longer talked to me on msn. You no longer tried to find me in school. What kind of a message were you trying to send? Because like that paranoid-little-girl I am I hopefully got the wrong one. I know you didn't like it before that I didn't talk to you first or try to find you in school so I shouldn’t be hypocritical. But I thought maybe we could've hung out more, to take advantage of the time we had left.

Everything that happened in between with her. It hurt okay? A lot. I trusted you at first, I told you everything. But then you had to go and tell her everything. It made me completely lose faith in you. So I never told you anything important again. I took my own troubles to those friends who mattered most in my life. I had to find out from my friends that you were up all hours talking to her on msn. I don't seem jealous to you do I? But I was. Insanely. I was just better at hiding my feelings than you were. I knew she still liked you, even after we started going out. And I was determined not to be jealous, I was determined not to let anything come between my relationship with you and my friendship with her. But those friends of mine who I really trusted changed my mind. They told me everything they saw, and my opinion was changed. I was so determined to believe that she had gotten over you, and that she wouldn't come between us. But judging from what my trusted friends told me, she hadn't. And that worried me.

Seriously, I know you weren't too fond of my best guy friend at first. But I'm telling you now: you're a bastard. He's one of the closest friends I'll ever have and I wont let my boyfriend hate my best friend. But you know what? You continued on doing that. You never even tried to accept him. You were scared there was something going on between us. And there was nothing. He's been my best friend for four years. Four fucking years. I've known you for what, since January? I'm not going to throw away one of the best friends I'll ever have for you. So stop being jealous.

After a long lecture by one of another of my trusted friends I've pinpointed what you are: insecure. You're goddamn insecure. Sometimes I just felt so frustrated, I just wanted to scream in your face to get a hold of yourself. I was not going to break up with you unless I had to. I wanted you to stop being so goddamn insecure and telling your friends and my friends about your troubles. Fucking just pick a couple of your closest friends kay? No, you had to go and tell four people. Four goddamn people. And three of those people fucking lectured me for five fucking hours. Each saying the same thing. So pull yourself together.

So other than those feelings I just ranted about up there, our three months and seven days was awesome. I really really loved you and some part of me actually wanted to do long distance. Crazy eh? I know long distance never works and I know I'll probably be the first to fail on it anyway. But that's how much I liked you. I just wanted to know that there would be someone waiting for me when I came back.

I just wanted to get these feelings out. I feel so much better now that I've ranted about it. I know you probably wont read this, if you do, then you'll know everything I was feeling when I was in that relationship with you. My friends will always matter the most to me, and I don't tolerate my own boyfriend bitching about them. Thank you so much, M and A, for being there when I needed you. They were the ones I wanted you to be like but you never achieved it. Trust left our relationship pretty quickly, and I'm in no hurry to search for it. I've said all I ever ranted about to my trusted friends. Thanks for those three months and seven days.

I loved you,
K

Labels: Blog Post, Letter

i'm missing you guys at 8:53 PM
18 stars were shining bright even without the moon